Growing Up Series – Be an unbiased parent
By Principal Wong Kwun Wa | 02-10-2019
When I used to teach, I taught mostly upper-grade students almost every year. At the beginning of each term, I would look for chances to ask students about their relationship with their parents. Very often, their replies were, “They’re always so biased,” or “Mum always dotes on my little brother and says that as the older sister, I should give in to him.” It turns out that when parents handle everyday matters involving their children, they often, without realising it, put themselves in a position where neither side feels satisfied.
I have two lovely daughters. My elder daughter is nine years old — generous, open-hearted, and loves to share. My younger daughter is six — thoughtful, caring, and easy to get along with. Most of the time, the two sisters get along well, but sometimes they do argue. Usually, after Dad steps in to sort things out, they are soon playing together again, arms around each other.
Among all their toys, each sister has certain favourites that she doesn’t want to share with the other or with other children. I remember one time when my elder daughter came to me for help, her face full of tears and resentment.“My sister took my toy to play with without asking me first. Boo… hoo…” I kissed my elder daughter on the forehead and gently said to her, “You’re really angry that your sister took your toy without asking. You don’t want her to play with it, and you really want it back.” As soon as she heard this, she stopped sobbing and began to sniffle, nodding her head, though her eyes were still wide open and she was biting her lower lip. Then I continued, “When we’re not playing with toys anymore, we can’t keep them to ourselves and not let others play. And if your sister is playing with a toy right now, we can’t snatch it back — Daddy can’t take it either. If you want it, Daddy will stay here with you and wait until your sister finishes playing and puts it down, and then you can take it back.”
At that moment, the younger sister was also there and heard everything I said clearly. Her eyes were full of gratitude. Then I opened my eyes wide on purpose, stretched my neck, and sat on a small stool, waiting to see when she would put the toy down. The older sister looked at me, then looked at her sister. Before long, both girls felt the whole scene was funny and started laughing together. After that, the younger sister gave the toy back to her sister on her own. In the end, I praised them both: “Big sister did a great job by not grabbing the toy while your sister was playing. Little sister also did a great job by giving the toy back when you knew your sister really wanted it.” Then I hugged both of them. The bond between the sisters immediately became stronger.
Tips for building a stronger bond and mutual respect between siblings:
As children grow up, different kinds of conflicts are bound to happen. Parents should not take sides, and they should also not ignore the problem. All they need to do is reflect each child’s feelings. Most importantly, parents should set clear rules: no one is allowed to grab a toy from someone who is using it, and no one may stop others from playing with toys they are not using. These rules help children learn mutual respect and reduce the chance of a child becoming bossy or domineering later on. If parents always insist that older siblings must give in to younger ones, the older children will feel that their parents are unfair and favour the younger ones. Then, when the younger child does not benefit next time, they will also blame the parents for not helping them. In the worst case, over time, resentment between siblings grows deeper, and parents end up pleasing no one on either side.
By Principal Wong Kwun Wa (Part-time Lecturer, Hong Kong Baptist University; Former Principal of a Hong Kong Aided Primary School)
Original source: Ohpama | Be an unbiased parent. (做個不偏不倚的父母) | https://www.ohpama.com/377489/生活熱話/生活熱話/黃冠華校長-做個不偏不倚的父母
